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Tell a true but funny story

mike
mike
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Post by mike on Mon 11 Jul 2011, 4:08 pm

My story relates to a very lovely old lady that lived next door to us,prim,proper,and very genteel,now this dear old lady had gone deaf,she was also diabetic and loved the diabetic baked beans,unfortunately they had the effect on her baked beans often do,they gave her wind.
Being deaf she was convinced all her escaping wind was silent,so she would stand talking to you with the sound of trump,trump (kept that clean didn't i )ringing in the background,of course no one told her so she just did it more and more.
Helen
Helen
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Post by Helen on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 10:28 pm

Not funny but John had a heart attack and when he recovered we couldn't get insurance to go abroad at first so I decided that we needed to relax more so I bought a second hand tent.......... didn't want to spend a fortune as John was a hotel kind of guy.

Now it starts to get amusing.................

Looked in a local paper and there was an advert for a dome tent (Large) used once for sale £20 so after deciding it was a misprint in the price we left it until gone 9 at night but thought what the hell ring and see, we can only end up being told no. The add was correct and we went to collect the same night from a rather posh area and a massive house, the lady met us at the door with several bin liners and said it's all in these ?????? She went on to explain that they went once and it just wasn't for them as there were spiders and bugs and muck but she was sure we looked like the type of people who would enjoy it Rolling Eyes Just for her cheek I offered her £15 but as John is a gent he said no we would pay the £20

The tent was huge with 3 sleeping compartments all screwed up in bags but all there, we had no instructions so went to the other side of the M60 behind our house as its a field and pitched it, we got some odd looks with a tent at the side of a motorway. Laughing

We packed the car up with a coolbox, picnic table, washing up bowl, bucket and two portable small gas cookers and 1 torch, 1 lamp and a sleeping bag and airbed and just drove to the East coast until we found a campsite.

1st night awful rain and freezing cold, second night still heavy rain and water was coming in. John said we were going home in the morning and he was going for a shower to warm up. While he was away I put the two cookers on the floor in the middle of the tent and by the time he returned it was warm and cosy so he said we could stay.

We decided that the bucket would come in handy at night as the loo's were a distance away and we did have a rear door to the tent and what appeared to be an empty field at the back of us, we didn't realise that a horse was in there and in the dark couldn't see it grazing directly behind our pitch but when John emptied the bucket in the night that horse was making some funny noises for ages after Tell a true but funny story 3208163979

We did have to leave because on the 4th night the owner started ringing what I thought was a fire alarm but there were flood alarms around the campsite and he explained that they did flood on occasions and that was what the red boxes were for. We didn't ditch the tent but got very mucky packing it away but luckily we didn't have much stuff........... John agreed to give it one more go as I was so upset I had made him go camping and that shocked me but we went away a couple of days after and really enjoyed ourselves and relaxed so he came home and bought a more suitable tent and all the camping stuff we didn't have.......... I sold the £20 tent to my ex husband for £100 Very Happy
Helen
Helen
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Post by Helen on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 10:39 pm

I got a last minute holiday to the Costa-Brava on teletext £99 each 10 days self catering Tell a true but funny story 2792229418

We both managed to get time off work and so off we went with a 5 and 6 year old (our kids) to the airport...................... 13 hour overnight delay and we were knackered by the time we got there, the apartment looked acceptable and we decided to get to bed for a few hours, this was now 7.15am.

John woke us all up and said let's get dressed and go and eat its night time we have slept all day, we went outside at 7.45 and found a cute little bar just outside the apartment block so ordered a beer, a cocktail for me (I was on my holidays) coke for the kids, two cheesburgers and chips (kids) and two chicken and chips, the man said are you sure we said yes please we are tired hungry and had a nightmare flight.

It did seem very quiet with just a few people milling around but we sat and had a few drinks........ What we didn't realise is that it was still morning we had only been in bed for less than half an hour Tell a true but funny story 2829330259 no wonder people were looking at us while I sat there with sparklers in my pina-colada. drunken

We also discovered why the holiday was so cheap, the apartment was above a disco that started around 12 midnight and went on all night, the floors in the place were vibrating when you walked on them and the noise was bloody awful.
Keith
Keith

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Post by Keith on Wed 13 Jul 2011, 10:28 am

I've worked as a taxi driver now for around 20 years and in that time have had many weird and funny conversations with people.

One of the best was fairly recently, obviously in my job we get used to faces and places so on this occasion a regular customer got in with her daughter about 4 years old "Home" I said, "yes please" she replied, so off we went. During the journey the little one piped up "how does the taximan know where we live mummy?" the reply was "It's his job to know where people live so he can get them home". "ok" says the little one.

A few minutes later her little one pipes up "Mummy does the taximan know where we live because he's the man who comes to see you when daddy goes to work at night?" cue red face and silence for the remainder of the journey.

Children eh, got to love their honesty.


Last edited by Keith on Wed 13 Jul 2011, 10:29 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : pour spilling)
Helen
Helen
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Post by Helen on Wed 13 Jul 2011, 12:13 pm

Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Kids don't half get you in trouble.
mike
mike
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Post by mike on Wed 13 Jul 2011, 5:20 pm

Keith wrote:I've worked as a taxi driver now for around 20 years and in that time have had many weird and funny conversations with people.

One of the best was fairly recently, obviously in my job we get used to faces and places so on this occasion a regular customer got in with her daughter about 4 years old "Home" I said, "yes please" she replied, so off we went. During the journey the little one piped up "how does the taximan know where we live mummy?" the reply was "It's his job to know where people live so he can get them home". "ok" says the little one.

A few minutes later her little one pipes up "Mummy does the taximan know where we live because he's the man who comes to see you when daddy goes to work at night?" cue red face and silence for the remainder of the journey.

Children eh, got to love their honesty.

Dont you just love kids Very Happy did she use your cab again?
vickoir
vickoir
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Post by vickoir on Sat 16 Jul 2011, 1:15 pm

been thinking for a while what to add on here thats suitable as eilis will confirm some of my stories though i swear they are all true are a bit risque and for a boozy night round a campfire Wink

so anyway when i was 16 (1 week after sitting my last exam) i left school and i joined the royal navy first was 8 weeks basic training at HMS.Raleigh in Plymouth
where you learned how to iron and look after your kit polish your boots til your fingers bled, tying knots, general naval knowledge, seamanship etc plus lots and lots of physical training one of the physical training activities was vaulting???
don't know why but this big tattooed physical training instructor(pti) insisted he teach us how to do it. everyone had a go some even managed to land on the box some splattered straight into it i remember one guy was actually sick after slamming gut first into the box.....
now i had done gymnastics from being about 7 at least once a week as well as played county netball so was a bit of a fittie and knew how to vault and could do it quite well so when it came to my turn i explained to him knowing my ability and not wanting to miss out on a chance to impress my fellow classmates that the springboard was too close to the box (HORSE) for me and could he please move it back a bit, 'no no you won't be able to clear that box no one else has and your one of the stumpys' (short people) so miffed i took up my position and he took up his on the other side of the box about 3ft behind it on one of those huge blue crash mats i set off running toward the springboard with teen angst and fury thinking i'll show him mr bloody muscles hit the springboard dead centre done a perfect(in my mind) straddle vault and had so much power (the springboad being soo close to the box) that i cleared the vault and only came to a stop once both me and the pti were flat on the floor him with my legs straddled round his neck and a semi-concussed look on his face and me mortified my moment of glory had gone so horribly horribly wrong pirat
Eilis
Eilis
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Post by Eilis on Sat 16 Jul 2011, 1:44 pm

Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224


not only do you have very funny stories to tell but you are very good at telling them lol saw that clearly in my head and laughed myself silly

thanks vicki x
vickoir
vickoir
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Post by vickoir on Sat 16 Jul 2011, 4:15 pm

glad you liked it eilis Razz
vickoir
vickoir
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Post by vickoir on Sat 16 Jul 2011, 8:32 pm

just thought of another one watching dale winton the national lottery

i was about 20 and single out with all my girlfriends in a nightclub on a saturday night when we saw this ADONIS of a lad looking over in our direction so being a little under the influence and full of the vigours of youth stated giving him the eye

after about 20 mins he sauntered over and started talking to me (yipee) much to a few of my mates discontent any how we chatted and flirted for about half an hour about this and that and then he asks me 'so what are you doing at ten past 9 on monday morning'

so excited was i at the prospect of a potential date with this sex god that i didn't even think 'odd time ten past nine, odd day for a date too a monday'
so very coolly and in my most nonchalant manner replied 'oh nothing why?'

after what seemed like an eternity but was only seconds my now by this time future husband and sex object replied

'you should watch supermarket sweep its effin brilliant, i love dale winton he's ace'
SUPERMARKET BLOODY SWEEP can you believe it needless to say i never saw him again EVER!Very Happy

mike
mike
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Post by mike on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 5:02 pm

We have a couple of gay girls working at our works and they are a great couple and although young have lived together for a fair while,one is very quiet but the other is up for a laugh,well today we where doing the sort of job where you can have a chat so we talked about different things,i started the who turns you on from tv or films,the two blokes with us told us there's i said Amanda Tapping and Nancy said Kevin Costner and Alison said nothing so i ragged her a bit and she turned red had a giggle but wouldn't say,
After work i was in the smoke area and she came across to me laughing and said you silly bugger its Jennifer Anniston but i wasn't going to say in front of those two blokes.

Its terrible when you get old like me and forget things lol!
Helen
Helen
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Post by Helen on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 5:36 pm

Was quite poorly once and in hospital the doctor took John to one side and said 'dont worry we will take care of your daughter' he went red and told him I was his wife.

lol!

mike
mike
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Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
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Post by mike on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 5:40 pm

helen wrote:Was quite poorly once and in hospital the doctor took John to one side and said 'dont worry we will take care of your daughter' he went red and told him I was his wife.

lol!


The amazing thing is it was only after the marriage that the age difference became apparent,or so they tell me
Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224

cant think why Very Happy
Laura
Laura

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Post by Laura on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 5:51 pm

When we were little me and my brother used to call him grandad when we went to the shops with him just to wind him up Laughing
Eilis
Eilis
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Post by Eilis on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 6:33 pm

Laura wrote:When we were little me and my brother used to call him grandad when we went to the shops with him just to wind him up Laughing


Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224 Tell a true but funny story 3462454224

I have a feeling you and i will get on very well Laura lol!
Helen
Helen
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Post by Helen on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 7:21 pm

You would get on like a house on fire, she is as daft as a brush and falls over her own feet lol!
Eilis
Eilis
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Post by Eilis on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 7:31 pm

helen wrote:You would get on like a house on fire, she is as daft as a brush and falls over her own feet lol!

ooh just like me lol!
Helen
Helen
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Post by Helen on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 7:37 pm

Eilis wrote:
helen wrote:You would get on like a house on fire, she is as daft as a brush and falls over her own feet lol!

ooh just like me lol!

Yes Eilis, she also breaks chairs and lots of other stuff too, works for the NHS and recently sent a friend in hospital a deepest sympathy card as he had had surgery, when asked why she got him that and not a get well card she replied with I am sorry he had to have an operation and thought I would send him my sympathy. Tell a true but funny story 3208163979
Eilis
Eilis
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Post by Eilis on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 8:14 pm

helen wrote:
Eilis wrote:
helen wrote:You would get on like a house on fire, she is as daft as a brush and falls over her own feet lol!

ooh just like me lol!

Yes Eilis, she also breaks chairs and lots of other stuff too, works for the NHS and recently sent a friend in hospital a deepest sympathy card as he had had surgery, when asked why she got him that and not a get well card she replied with I am sorry he had to have an operation and thought I would send him my sympathy. Tell a true but funny story 3208163979


omg omg omg we are twins lol
mike
mike
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Post by mike on Sat 23 Jul 2011, 5:11 pm

In the queue at asda this morning for the self service,there was a chap in front putting his shopping through,fist 1 small onion then 1 small carrot,fair enough he may live on his own but then he had one of those small bags you put the button mushrooms in, well he tipped three small mushrooms on to the scales so he didn't have to pay for the weight of the bag affraid ive heard of being careful with money but.

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