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Only clean jokes please

mike
mike
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Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

Only clean jokes please - Page 9 Empty The six affairs

Post by mike on Mon 21 Nov 2011, 1:28 pm

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying *******
You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery..
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

Only clean jokes please - Page 9 Empty Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Fri 25 Nov 2011, 6:18 am

5 Minute Management Course 5 Lessons to Learn
Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone..

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.




Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Fri 25 Nov 2011, 6:23 am

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"


The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

(get ready for this.....)


The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Fri 25 Nov 2011, 1:03 pm

mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 29 Nov 2011, 4:45 pm

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mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Sat 03 Dec 2011, 6:34 am

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.






Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.

mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Sat 03 Dec 2011, 5:30 pm

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mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 06 Dec 2011, 2:56 pm

Facts about sex

At this moment 79 million people are having sex
58 million people are kissing
37 million people are relaxing after sex
1 or 2 unfortunate elderly people are reading this post

You hang in there
Eilis
Eilis
Dandy Owner

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Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

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Post by Eilis on Wed 07 Dec 2011, 6:34 am

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mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Wed 07 Dec 2011, 2:45 pm

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Wed 07 Dec 2011, 4:58 pm

There comes a time in marriage when things get a bit stale in the bedroom department.
After 15 years both the wife and myself came to realise this and decided it was time to spice thing up a bit...... but how?
We had gone through the roll play, done the dressing up and all the other usual things but nothing realy worked.
I remembered a friend telling us about a "Wife Swapping" party he and his wife had been to and how it changed their lives. Try it they said, you wont regret it!

We contemplated it for months before we decided what the heck, what can we loose, if we dont like it we can always walk away.
After a few weeks of trying to pluck up the courage we finally went to a Wife Swapping party.

If you have never been to one, we can highly recommend it!

I got a bottle of Brandy, two cigars and a £10 voucher for M&S
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Sat 10 Dec 2011, 7:06 am

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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fearful wizard

Posts : 263
Join date : 2011-12-06
Age : 70
Location : Lincoln Lincolnshire

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Post by fearful wizard on Sun 11 Dec 2011, 11:44 am

The EU Greece bailout package . . . . . .

...........€ = Euro

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a € 100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the € 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the € 100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the € 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.

There you are, you are now qualified to be the Finance Minister of any Country on Earth, or the CEO of any Bank.




mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Sun 11 Dec 2011, 11:57 am

fearful wizard wrote:The EU Greece bailout package . . . . . .

...........€ = Euro

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a € 100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the € 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the € 100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the € 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.

There you are, you are now qualified to be the Finance Minister of any Country on Earth, or the CEO of any Bank.






Many a true word spoke in jest Very Happy
mike
mike
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Post by mike on Sun 11 Dec 2011, 2:38 pm

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mike
mike
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Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 20 Dec 2011, 9:42 am

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
mike
mike
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Post by mike on Tue 20 Dec 2011, 9:44 am

This could explain a lot


Pythagoras’ theorem - 24 words.

Lord's Prayer - 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.

10 Commandments - 179 words.

Gettysburg address - 286 words.

US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.

EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words.
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 20 Dec 2011, 9:44 am

I was told today of a man who,instead of sugar,put a teaspoon of gunpowder in his tea every day.He said it was for his health.He enjoyed a long and happy life and reached the age of 95 before dying.He left a widow,4 children,10 grandchildren,8 great grandchildren and a 60 ft crater where the crematorium used to be.
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Wed 21 Dec 2011, 8:45 am

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mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Wed 21 Dec 2011, 2:11 pm

Hans, a middle-aged
German tourist on his first visit to Orlando,

Florida, finds the red
light district and enters a large brothel. The

madam asks him to be
seated and sends over a young lady to entertain

him.

They sit and
talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she

sits on his
lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this,
the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain

the
gentleman.


They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she

sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too
screams, "No!" and

walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that
this ordinary looking man has asked for

something so outrageous that
her two girls will have nothing to do with

him. She decides that only
her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola has never said no, and
it's not likely anything would surprise

her. So the madam sends her
over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a

little, giggle a bit, drink
a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers

in her ear and she
screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as

she can and
leaves.


Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing
like this in

all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done
the bedroom work

herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said
yes to everything

a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find
out what this man

wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she
sees a chance to

teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to
Hans and says that she's the best in the house and

is available. She
sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink

and then she sits
in his lap.


Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay
in Euros?"
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

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Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Sat 24 Dec 2011, 6:25 am

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."This time her anger takes over, she
reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding
"SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I
think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

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Post by mike on Mon 26 Dec 2011, 6:43 am

I was showing my doctor a very nasty rash on my **** to-day, he seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it, he just told me to make an appointment for Monday morning and carried on pushing his shopping trolley round asda.
mike
mike
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Post by mike on Wed 28 Dec 2011, 6:45 am

When I was a small boy my mother always told me whenever I went out to make sure I had clean underwear on,so I decided to ask her why and she said just in case you get knocked down by a bus.As I have grown older I have often thought about this because it never made sense to me,if you see a bus hurtling towards you out of control then the first thing you are going to do is s--t yourself so whats the point ?.
mike
mike
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Post by mike on Sat 31 Dec 2011, 7:10 am

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.' Paddy now works for the Bank of England.

mike
mike
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Post by mike on Fri 06 Jan 2012, 6:16 am

The Government has issued a travel warning in case of cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours supply of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Reflective Triangles
First Aid Kit
Booster cables





I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

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