Only clean jokes please

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal.


The doctor says, "Bert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Bert replies, " God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I am done, poof!, the light goes off."


"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "Bert's doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God".
" Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH MY GAWD! Ethel screams, " He's using the fridge again !!!!!.

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. she notices a boy on a field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun. she takes pity on him and decides to speak to him "You ok?" she says.
"Yes" he says.
"You can play with the other kids you know?"
"Its best i stay here" he says.
"Why?" says the blonde teacher.
The boy says "Because I'm the goalkeeper".

mike i dont know where you get from but some of them are corkers

vickoir wrote: mike i dont know where you get from but some of them are corkers

I pinch them from other forums

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

very good eilis i only know dirty jokes so ill have to save them for the meet

i must admit i struggle too lol but then i googled jokes and found a nice (mostly) clean site

The pope is handing out miracles in Liverpool
Billy walks on stage and asks "can you help with my hearing?"

The Pope says yes and puts his hands over Billy's ears.
He then prays........removes his hands and asks "how is your hearing now?"

Billy says "I dont know its not til next Wednesday"

Husband finishes reading the book 'Be the man of your house' and says to the wife....

From now on my word is law you will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptsious dessert afterwards you will run my bath, bathe me and as I relax towel me dry then massage my feet and back then tomorrow guess who will dress me and comb my hair..................

wife says "The bloody funeral director would be my first guess"

So I was in the pub the other night when I couldn't help but overhear a couple of, frankly, d#ckheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe if they knew that their aeroplane was being piloted by a woman.

What a pair of pathetic sexist idiots and what an attitude to have in this day and age.






After all, it's not like she'll have to reverse the flipping thing!

An old guy was in tesco the other day, pushing his shopping cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a cart.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, doesn’t matter. Let's look for yours."

-------------

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce unknown

very good eilis

Please excuse the rough language in the following story . . I would have
deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so
how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!
I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home . .
PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama . . . he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook ..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'


'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on a open top bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

The Recession hits everybody.....




I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!


And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Listed below is every thing men know and understand about women

so true lol

If Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

then Max Factor should make condoms.

Jean-Paul Sartre said, "Hell is being locked forever in a room with your friends"

but all his mates were french.

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on air planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what;



Metal,



Wood,



Stone,



Anything she touched would melt..



Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.


The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?



He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,


'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'




The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.



The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth..

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.





But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .



The second prince brought diamonds.






He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.


He too was sent away disappointed.




The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.


And it did not melt!!!



The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. !


And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.



Question: What was in the prince's pants?



M&Ms of course







They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??








YOU THINK I HAVE A DIRTY MIND ??????

If you where man in 1919 and saw this would you stop drinking




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i think the one on the left in the white frock is a man!!!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into
the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody..'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his bloody
widow.'