Only clean jokes please

I like that, here's another.

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I have no problem with those but i cant spell

thats good and how odd we can read it

It shows how clever our brains are, I wish the rest of me would catch up.

my sentiments as well Cazz

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report ...that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off
.6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy
.11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces
.15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

CURTAIN RODS ---


On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings
into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.


They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .......


and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

The same plastic surgeon
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Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or a paracetamol to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault..

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing..

Only those who have used an outhouse would appreciate this as much as I do.

THE OUTHOUSE POEM

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.



The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to
be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.



So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.



"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World".

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up
in the rear of the plane.


He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped.....








Then, he spoke...





'Iron this will you -- and then get me a beer’

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( i must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the Rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down..
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down..

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want..
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for..


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days......


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, FOOTBALL or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

An old gentleman sat down with some Golf Balls in his trouser pockets, next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her

curiosity any longer, she asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

1. Ask for what you want..
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


Got to agree with this one caz

Lollipop ladies.......they make me cross!!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the

Night celebrating St Patrick's Day.


Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy'..


Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off...


He falls flat on his face. '*****' he says and pulls himself up by the

Stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls

Flat on his face,


'******, ****** !'


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to

The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door

And shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes

A deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto

The pavement and falls flat on his face.



'Bi'Jesus.... I'm p*ssed,' he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,

Hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside... He

Takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f*****' way'. He crawls up the

Stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes

A step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'bu**ER it' and

Falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into his room carrying a cup of

Coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'


Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was ********' p*ssed. But how'd you know?'


'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

A man is curious from an early age
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HEALTH WARNING!

A virus is going around called " HOUSEWORK"!!!
If you feel the need to start housework !
STOP immediately This is virus wipes out your social life.
If you should come in contact with housework go straight to the nearest store and buy the only antidote called WINE!
please warn 6 of your immediate friends.
If you don't know any friends!
YOUR ARE ALL READY INFECTED

Karaoke For The Illiterate


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I took the wife to this disco, kinda dance club, last weekend.

There was a guy there, out on the dance floor, giving it large. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips . . you name it . . you know . ."the works".

My wife says to me, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating....!!! "

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G4s recruiting poster


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Went to the chemist yesterday and ask for a packet of condoms the young assistant ask large or small,well with a packed chemist your going to say large arnt you








I now have a box of 500 condoms