Only clean jokes please

This is such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).


If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.



When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.


Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E.. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

mike wrote:
And my FAVORITE........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Mike, I like them, also particularly this one, it's so true.

Phone just rang, Nancy answered it

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ar*e with no hair?"

Nancy replies, "Yes, he's on the computer - who shall I say is calling

mike wrote:Phone just rang, Nancy answered it

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ar*e with no hair?"

Nancy replies, "Yes, he's on the computer - who shall I say is calling

This one is for jokes Mike, you want the twitter thread

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves when out shopping and in dark car parks, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Waitrose, Tesco & Sainsbury. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two nice looking, teenage girls will come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windscreen with a cloth and Glass cleaner with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a lift to McDonald's.You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 10th &12th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Asda has wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for .99p at the Poundworld. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth between Tesco to Sainsbury's to Waitrose.

So please, send this on to all the men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this evil scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

South African handshake

PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST

WORRYING THINGS IN RECENT YEARS

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.




That's bloody scary..........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...!

mike wrote:PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST

WORRYING THINGS IN RECENT YEARS

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.




That's bloody scary..........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...!

My small grandson got lost at the mall, he
> Approached a uniformed security guard and said,
> "I've lost my grandpa!"
> "The guard asked, "What's he like?"
> The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
> "Jack Daniels and women with big breasts ."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

vickoir wrote:i think the one on the left in the white frock is a man!!!

they would turn a tea total guy like me to drink gin whiskey beer all at the same time lol

2 traveling sales men had to try to sell to a big company hundreds of miles away.
so they left early in the morning.
After somer time they were traveling on a mountain road miles from any where, when the car stoped, and refused to restart.
1 guy said oh great it is peeing it down and thunder and that wind out there is real bad.
they got out when the other guy saw a faint lite in the distance.
when they got to the old cottage and knocked the door, a verry sexy lady answered the door with only a see threw gown on.
she called them in and told them that they were miles from any weere and had to stop there over nite.

the next day they had a good breakfast and left to walk to the village to get help .
months past and the 2 sales men ran into each other in a pub, trhe driver of the car that nite said to the other guy do you remember the nite we slept in the old cottage, with the sexy lady.
Yes why are you asking, did you breake the promise we both made each other not to go to her room, yes, did you make love to her, oh yes i did replyed the driver.
and you gave her my name not yours and the company name we work for.
The driver was now countain the months on his fingers, and came to 9 months, oh she is pregnant he said, no that is not why i am smileing replyed the other guy, she left me her loto winnings of 80 milion .

the bar man said

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. a poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A man was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Ah, the old ones are the best ones!



Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Astra van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oi fat boy, whip me, whip me!"



Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have

any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window,

snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to

the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"



Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that,



"Yes, I did."Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of 'Van Aerial

Disease' that I've ever seen."

Reports indicate that the English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from " Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon , though security levels may be raised yet again to " Irritated" or even " A bit cross". Londoners have not been " A bit cross " since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from " Tiresome to a " Bloody nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666..

Also the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from " Run " to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from " Shout loudly and excitedly " to " Elaborate Military Posturing ". Two more levels remain: " Ineffective Combat Operations " and " Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from " Disdainful Arrogance" to " Dress in Uniforms and sing marching songs". They also have two higher levels: " Invade a Neighbour" and " Lose "

Belgians, on the other hand, are on holiday as usual, and the only treat they worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms do the new Spanish navy can get a good look at the old Spanish navy..

I got an aunty Megan who lives in llanfairfellan.
The farmer had to sack cos she tryed to milk a tractor.

I got an Aunty Nely who has a colour telly, she also got a fat belly
But not from watching telly.

I got an uncle fred who lives in burkenhead 1 day he rolled and rolled and fell out of bed onto his head.


more to come lol

A guy named Andy and his wife named mandy went on line to find a dandy.
look at that 1 Andy said, relyed Mandy and if we buy it i will name it Sandy, Andy said better name will be Randy.
So off they went to buy Sandy Randy Dandy.
Mandy said, We must join a forum for we may need replyed Andy boy that is verry handy Dandy Campers forum I have found that will suite us down to the grownd, Mandy said on joining the dandy guys on line they had these replyes they said

And on our first trip Rally or Meet

And all had a great time drinking tea coffee wine and beer time, a barbq was up and running and the dandies all in line for a Randy dandy good time.

Caz1960 wrote:Reports indicate that the English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from " Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon , though security levels may be raised yet again to " Irritated" or even " A bit cross". Londoners have not been " A bit cross " since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from " Tiresome to a " Bloody nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666..

Also the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from " Run " to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from " Shout loudly and excitedly " to " Elaborate Military Posturing ". Two more levels remain: " Ineffective Combat Operations " and " Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from " Disdainful Arrogance" to " Dress in Uniforms and sing marching songs". They also have two higher levels: " Invade a Neighbour" and " Lose "

Belgians, on the other hand, are on holiday as usual, and the only treat they worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms do the new Spanish navy can get a good look at the old Spanish navy..

Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"

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A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft fool

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

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Could this be the next text we start getting

Our records indicate that you were once touched up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation, to register just text " How's about that then" or to stop just text "Stop Jimmy Stop" . Register by the end of the month to receive your free Lawyers for U fixed it for me badge