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Only clean jokes please

mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Mon 09 Jan 2012, 4:48 pm

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in the airport terminal


The first lady was an arrogant matron married to a wealthy businessman.


The second was a well-mannered woman.


When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the arrogant woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."


The other lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.


Again, the lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.


Yet again, the other lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"


“My husband sent me to charm school," declared the lady.


"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What on earth for?"


The lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a f***?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious . . . . "
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 10 Jan 2012, 3:20 pm

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's ????? is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thigh-bones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.




Women would have finished reading this by now......
...Men are still busy checking their thumbs!
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Sat 14 Jan 2012, 12:39 pm

Nancy asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
She flung her arms around me and we had the most amazing sex ever.

Which is odd......







.................... she’s never shown an interest in darts before
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 17 Jan 2012, 3:13 pm

This is my neighbour:

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She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my family room.




I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.




She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?”




I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!”




Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"




MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Fri 20 Jan 2012, 4:36 pm

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People --What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be Prime Minister.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £3000, Tux hire-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £5.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes!!
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Mon 23 Jan 2012, 6:23 pm

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, ...wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her while making the woo-hoo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass the wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the woo-hoo sound again. Throw wet towel on her pillow
Phoenix
Phoenix
Dandy Expert

Posts : 1435
Join date : 2011-09-07
Location : South Norfolk.

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Post by Phoenix on Mon 23 Jan 2012, 7:46 pm

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Cooking Plus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Multi-Whine.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!
Eilis
Eilis
Dandy Owner

Posts : 1458
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 54
Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

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Post by Eilis on Mon 23 Jan 2012, 7:57 pm

excellent

Only clean jokes please - Page 10 1710857839 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 1710857839 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 1710857839
Eilis
Eilis
Dandy Owner

Posts : 1458
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 54
Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

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Post by Eilis on Mon 23 Jan 2012, 8:15 pm

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mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 24 Jan 2012, 12:57 pm

A mans dream remote control

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mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Wed 25 Jan 2012, 3:25 pm

A blonde drops off her little black dress at the cleaners.
As she's leaving,the assistant says, "Come again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey cow!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?

Scroll down......










A Seatbelt you pervert! Buckle up!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Check your shampoo bottle label.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and
(duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY ---

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn
dish washing liquid instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

Problem Solved.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline She flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto
'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the F****** H*** do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face,
"Ryanair".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked a pretty young homeless girl if I could take her home and she said yes with a big beaming smile.

That look on her face soon disappeared when I walked off with her cardboard box.

mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 31 Jan 2012, 6:39 pm

More old ones supposed to be true



And they are allowed to Vote – heaven help us!

IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley , Kent UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Crayford , Kent , UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Gillingham Kent , UK .



IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened Luton Airport ...... UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford Kent, UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic "It's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK .

STAY ALERT!
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Wed 01 Feb 2012, 2:04 pm

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.



Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its onboard industrial tribunal.



The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.



Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.



Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag has already been discarded.



The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.



The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."



His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

Owd Lad
Owd Lad

Posts : 187
Join date : 2011-06-17
Age : 67
Location : Kirkcudbright

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Post by Owd Lad on Wed 01 Feb 2012, 4:40 pm

Apparently, slapping the wife on the backside and saying, "Two sugars fatty!" isn't what Typhoo mean by agitating the bag.

Steve
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Thu 02 Feb 2012, 6:00 pm

NO NURSING HOME FOR me!!!



No nursing home for us.We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.

I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
Â

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's £59.23 per night.

Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry,gratuities and special TV movies.
 Plus,they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.


 Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.


 They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

 There's a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
Â

While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.Â


It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.Â
Â

And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.Â
Â

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem..

They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.Â

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.

If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . Or the undertaker.Â
Â

If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your lifeAnd no worries about visits from family.

They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.Â


The grandkids can use the pool.What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Mon 06 Feb 2012, 4:53 pm

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.



'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Wed 08 Feb 2012, 2:07 pm

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mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Thu 09 Feb 2012, 3:23 pm

Nurses Aren't Supposed to Laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery - - - almost!

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing..
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry,"she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Sat 11 Feb 2012, 4:29 pm

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw Nancy walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."
Caz1960
Caz1960

Posts : 1716
Join date : 2011-09-04
Age : 60
Location : Cardigan west wales

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Post by Caz1960 on Sat 11 Feb 2012, 9:33 pm




Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don't lie and don't cheat.

WD-40:

Who knew? I had a neighbour who bought a new car. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of his car (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do.... probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbour came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job on the car. I'm impressed!

WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40'. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you... When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top ... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

WD-40 uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows . (I love this one!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9.. Untangles jewellery chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12.. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots .
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly..
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers...
22 Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open..
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida 's favourite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favourite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states..
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls.. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P.S. The basic ingredient is

FISH Oil












mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Sun 12 Feb 2012, 5:47 am

Caz1960 wrote:


Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don't lie and don't cheat.

WD-40:

Who knew? I had a neighbour who bought a new car. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of his car (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do.... probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbour came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job on the car. I'm impressed!

WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40'. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you... When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top ... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

WD-40 uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows . (I love this one!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9.. Untangles jewellery chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12.. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots .
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly..
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers...
22 Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open..
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida 's favourite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favourite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states..
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls.. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P.S. The basic ingredient is

FISH Oil














I knew all that Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 Only clean jokes please - Page 10 3462454224 not realy
Cazz
Cazz

Posts : 2052
Join date : 2011-07-14
Age : 44
Location : Staffordshire

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Post by Cazz on Sun 12 Feb 2012, 9:20 am

Sadly I know what it stood for, and i've heard and used it for a lot of those reasons, but not all. We carry a tin in the van at all times, except when it doesn't go back in. I didn't know the ingredient.

Did you type that all out, or copy and paste it? Only clean jokes please - Page 10 2170595768
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Mon 13 Feb 2012, 5:45 pm

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
mike
mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 71
Location : north east lincs

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Post by mike on Tue 14 Feb 2012, 1:39 pm

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Owd Lad
Owd Lad

Posts : 187
Join date : 2011-06-17
Age : 67
Location : Kirkcudbright

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Post by Owd Lad on Wed 15 Feb 2012, 4:35 pm

Please help! I went for my regular checkup the other day. Everything went well until the rectal examination. Do you think I should change my dentist?

Steve

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