Only clean jokes please

The Age Gap


At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been in here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old; Alzheimer's has its advantages !






PS: Have I posted this before

The wrong time

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Should have put this in the games thread really

Can you pick the man out


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mike wrote:Should have put this in the games thread really

Can you pick the man out


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Its best to be open outgoing and friendly,the odd person may let you down but most will not and they become friends

Couldn't have phrased it better.

So which ones let you down and were they male or female?

Fortunately Kevin i dont believe in paying,well no more than marriage costs any way but all of those would come as an unpleasant surprise if you know what i mean

Tow Itch wrote:

mike wrote:Should have put this in the games thread really

Can you pick the man out


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Its best to be open outgoing and friendly,the odd person may let you down but most will not and they become friends

Couldn't have phrased it better.

So which ones let you down and were they male or female?

I find its really difficult to please every one
But i find it really easy to upset every one


See you've changed your signature. Not too close to home was it?

Tow Itch wrote:

Tow Itch wrote:

mike wrote:Should have put this in the games thread really

Can you pick the man out


[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Its best to be open outgoing and friendly,the odd person may let you down but most will not and they become friends

Couldn't have phrased it better.

So which ones let you down and were they male or female?

I find its really difficult to please every one
But i find it really easy to upset every one


See you've changed your signature. Not too close to home was it?

No i just feel the new one fits me better

that last one is on the wall in my old office

Must get some of this

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um i don't get the last one

Eilis wrote:um i don't get the last one

If a joke needs explaining then its not a joke sorry Eilis

mike wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

I'm getting this one printed for Wayne, I think he needs to join the queue when playing this game.

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors


1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Codeine ready in case you actually complete the act..

8.. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .... . . . . ..... . . . . . . . .




. . .
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

Some old ones


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
----oOo----
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says
Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
----oOo----
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
----oOo----
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
----oOo----
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified
----oOo----
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
----oOo----
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
----oOo----
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
----oOo----
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get
one cheaper off the web."
----oOo----
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
----oOo----
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
----oOo----
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.
----oOo----
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
----oOo----
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'

Good News For Insomniacs

Only 3 more sleeps to Christmas




I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here

Just witnessed the sight of

Fatima Whitbread

taking a shower

in a skimpy bikini

under a waterfall

in the jungle.

I sat there

and I thought

Lord

please

please

please

don't get an erection


but she did!

NAG NAG NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'